The Epic Adventures of Lan
by Morgan Cordes
Summary: In world where time is unpredictable and people are more insane than usual, Lan Watson must overcome his fatal flaws and GET A JOB. His journey is like any other, and his tale is not guaranteed to thrill you, but you should read it anyway. Seriously.


Lan woke with a slight start and in a sweat, wondering about the dream he had just had.

"Holy shit!" the clock on the bedside table said. "It's 9:59, Lan!"

Lan knew that, of course. He was perfectly capable of reading the bedside clock. "You don't have to tell me," he said back and proceeded to shower, dress, and brush his teeth in under a minute.

"Holy shit! It's 10:00, Lan!"

"I know! Shut up, you stupid clock!"

"But, Lan! Your interview is at 10:00!"

"No, it isn't. I foresaw that I would sleep until 9:59 and that we would be having this conversation until 10:01. That is why I scheduled my interview for precisely 10:02."

"But, Lan. It's 10:02 now."

"How the heck did that happen?"

"There must have been a lapse in the space/time continuum."

"Oh yea! Man, I hate it when that shit happens!" Without another word about it, Lan darted out the front window and walked across the street to the Gravie House where his interview would take place.

"Hi," said a woman who materialized in front of him. She was extremely ordinary, much like Lan. She wore her Gravie House uniform like one that maybe he would someday where. "You're Lan," she said. He could tell she said it for herself because, of course, he knew his own name.

"Yes. And you're…" he glanced at her nametag. "Valerie."

She laughed a little. "No, this isn't my nametag. I'm just borrowing it so I won't get in trouble with the manager. We have to be in uniform every single moment." Her voice turned to a whisper. "Valerie let me borrow hers until I find mine."

"What does she do without it?" Lan asked in a whisper to match hers.

"She's borrowing Ted's."

"But isn't that counterproductive? And isn't Ted a guy name?"

There was a moment of silence between them.

"If you'll just come this way, I'll interview you, Lan," Not Valerie said. Lan did as she said and came this way. "Okay, Lan. First thing's first. You want a job; I need an employee. When can you start?"

"Wait. Start? Already? Aren't you gonna ask about my flexibility, my work ethic, or where I see myself in five years? Aren't those basic interview questions?"

"Oh, I don't care about any of that. I just put all of the applications into a big pot and drew out yours! Congratulations, Lan! You got the job!"

"Well, what if I don't want it?"

"Do you want it?"

"Yes."

"Then congratulations, Lan! You got the job!"

He smiled widely and struck out his hand. "Thanks!" They shook hands.

"Do you have any questions about working here?"

"Well, yes. Actually I do. Why is the word 'gravy' spelled wrong?"

"I'll tell you why, Lan," Not Valerie began. "It's because—"

Shouting and rustling was heard dimly from somewhere not where Lan and Not Valerie were. "I will not stand for this! You cannot come into my establishment and act like an individual! It's unacceptable!"

A shouting man with a very red but otherwise ordinary face materialized in front of Lan and Not Valerie followed by a totally unordinary girl wearing what might have once been a Gravie House uniform and sporting a short haircut. The uniform was torn and fitted to better accent her features; the haircut was blond with funky pink highlights. Her nametag was no where in sight.

"Hi, Lan." The man said. "Congratulations on getting the job."

"Thanks," Lan said.

"As for you," he turned back to the unordinary girl. "I want you to find your nametag, pronto!" He turned back to Lan. "Again, congrats, Lan. I'm sure you'll do really well." He turned to Not Valerie. "I need a word with you." Then they vanished, and Lan was left alone with the girl.

"So…" he said smoothly.

She gave him a strange look and walked away.

"Wait!" He called after her. "Don't you just materialize like the others? I mean, if you can, then why waste your time walking away from me in a huff? Vanishing is much more dramatic, don't you think?"

She stopped walking and turned around to face him. "You don't get it," she said simply.

"Well. Since you're here…could you tell me when I start?"

"Right now. Here." She threw a uniform at him. He fumbled it, and it landed in a heap on the ground. "Put that on. And here's a nametag." She held it out to him, but she was three feet away. He would have to walk to get it. Or maybe he could materialize now that he was part of the crew. He thought about it, then decided he'd rather walk. One step forward. The nametag lay in her hand. All he had to do was walk up and take it. Two steps. He could reach it now. His hand reached out slowly, dramatically. He held his breath, his hand hovered, and his eyes met the girl's. She was staring at him intently, waiting for him to take the tag.

He snatched it up quickly. "It doesn't have anything written on it," he noticed aloud.

"Good deducing."

"Well. You know. Elementary."

"You have to put these stickers on." She handed him the stickers.

"Woah, cool. They're letter stickers. Where are the L's?" He looked up to find she was walking away. He shrugged and started for the men's room where he could change.

***Half a minute later***

Lan emerged from the men's room fully dressed in his extremely ordinary uniform and sporting his nametag. He placed his hands on his hips and heaved a deep sigh, basking in the glow of his accomplishment.

"Hi, Lan!" Lan started at the sudden noise and materialization of a man he hadn't met.

"Who are you?" he sort of yelled.

"Oh sorry, bro. I'm Ted. We haven't met, but I've heard so much about you!" Ted said with an eager smile.

"Your nametag. It says Matt. Who's tag is Matt wearing?"

"Don't worry about it. What's up with your tag?"

Lan looked down at his own tag. It read "Yan". "Ha ha L-O-L. Yeah, dude. There weren't any L's, so I used a Y to make myself sound Asian."

"Nice!"

"Yeah, man!"

"Well, let's get you trained at the cash register."

"Okay, sweet!"

Ted materialized from outside the men's bathroom to behind the counter. Lan walked over.

"This is pretty basic. All these buttons are labeled, both with a picture and words. You passed the sixth grade, right?"

"Straights A's," Lan said proudly.

"Great! You'll have a raise in no time! So when costumers want to order our food, you just press the buttons to tell the people in the back what to make. Can you handle it?"

"Sounds simple enough."

Ted smiled. "All right. Now come over here." He vanished. Lan stood, not knowing where to go.

"Come on!" Ted called from the back.

"Oh," Lan said to himself, smiling a little. Then he walked to the back. "I'm here," he said when he was there.

"Good. Now here's the freezer," Ted opened the door and ushered Lan inside. Lan walked in, breathed, and saw that he could see his breath.

"Ted," Lan breathed, a little frightened for no apparent reason.

The door shut and in a moment, Ted was on him.

"We only have a moment, Lan Watson. There are security cameras everywhere. Don't say or do anything that could get you fired. You're on the inside now, and we need you."

"Need me for what?" he mumbled.

"The resistance. Are you prepared to do whatever we tell you to do, without question or hesitation?"

"What kinds of things?"

"You may have to plant evidence, spy, poison food, plug up a toilet with too much paper, steal, and even kill."

"Kill!" Lan said, startled.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say kill. I meant to say, 'and even pretend you like the Twilight novels!'"

"Ahhhh! No!"

"Yes. Are you prepared?"

"Well, no not exactly. You just sort of shoved me in the freezer and started asking me all these questions. I had no idea I was signing up for all this. What are we resisting?"

"Big Rother. No more questions. Not now. In a moment, I'm going to open the door and we're going to walk out of here and I'll say, 'think you can handle it, Lan'."

"What do I say?"

"What?"

"Well, what should I say?"

"What do you think you should say? It's a yes or no question. There's really only one answer."

"You just said it was a yes or no question. That's two answers already. Then there's maybe and—"

The door opened.

"Think you can handle it, Lan?" Ted picked up quickly and a little loudly.

"Uh,"

"Look sharp, Lan. I'd hate to think we hired a retard," the man he saw yelling at the girl with pink hair said to him. It was he who had opened the door.

"Oh, he's no retard, Mr. Rother. Lan, this is the owner of Gravie House, Mr. Rother," Ted said.

"It's a pleasure, Mr. Rother." Lan stuck out his hand and Mr. Rother took it.

"Please, call me Big Rother. Enough of that mister stuff."

"Sure, Big Rother," Lan said with a smile.

"Okay, you two. Get out of the freezer and get onto your breaks."

"Yes sir," they said together. Big Rother vanished again. So did Ted. Lan just walked out to the front.

"What took you so long?" Ted asked.

"Traffic." Lan noticed someone with unordinary pink hair sitting at a different table. "Who is she?"

"Who her? Totally unordinary? Pink hair?"

"Yeah. Her."

"I dunno. She started here three weeks ago."

"I'll ask," Lan decided out loud and made his way over to her. "I'm Lan," he said and held out his hand.

She looked at it. "I know."

He took his hand back. "Can I sit? With you?"

"This seat is taken."

"It looks empty."

"There's someone there."

"Oh."

He began to walk away.

"Yan."

He stopped walking, back up quickly, and said, "Yes?"

"Why does your nametag say Yan?"

"There were no L's."

"You can sit." He sat.

"Why do you have no nametag? Is Matt borrowing it?"

"I threw it away."

"What? Why?"

"Some jackass spelled my name wrong. I asked Rother to fix it, but he wouldn't. So I threw it away."

"What's your name?"

"Sam."

"How did someone spell that wrong?"

"They put 'Samantha'. It's just Sam."

"Why would someone do that? It seems strange to lengthen someone else's name just for kicks."

"Rother thought it was inappropriate for a girl to be called Sam."

"But he doesn't think it's weird that Valerie wears Ted's nametag?"

She paused and looked him over. "It is weird, isn't it?"

"Well. Yeah. A three year old would know that."

She glanced up and around. He followed her example and spotted something on the far wall.

"Is that—"

"A security camera." She nodded. "Big Rother is watching you."

"Huh?"

"Ironic isn't? That he calls himself that. I often wonder if he reads."

"Reads what?"

"Books."

"Comics?"

"Have you ever seen a comic of _1984_?" she asked sarcastically.

"Nineteen eighty what?"

"Never mind."

"I like video games."

"Good for you."

Silence.

"I'm in a band."

"Impressive."

More silence.

"Break's over!" Ted said as he materialized in front of them. Sam got up and walked away without saying a word. Ted nodded his head like a playa and then turned to Lan. "Here, Lan. I wrote you this note."

"That's sweet," Lan said, touched. Then he realized that sounded gay and asked, "Why did you write me a note?"

Ted dropped his voice down to a whisper. "Put it in your pocket, subtly."

"Oh." He put it in his pocket.

"Now. Go to the bathroom."

"But I don't—"

"Go, Lan."

"Okay, okay. Sheesh."

He materialized to the men's room, not even realizing he'd done it. He took the note out of his pocket and read it to himself. "'Look around'," he read. He looked around. For a moment, he didn't understand why he was looking around except because the note told him to. But why did the note tell him to? Then it dawned on him.

"No security cameras," he breathed in an awed voice while he imagined the letters that formed the words he just spoke were flowing out of his mouth. He read on. "'We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness'. No darkness? What the heck is that supposed to mean? Oh wait. There's more. 'Flush this note'. Ok. I will." He flushed it, and as the note was being pulled down, he made a flushing noise that went something like this: _faallllllluuuuussssssshhhh_.

Lan materialized behind the counter in front of a customer waiting for him to take her order.

"I would like a gravy platter with a side of gravy and extra gravy, please."

"Wait. I have to wash my hands."

He walked to the sink. Soap. Water. Lather. Rinse.

"Ok," he said as he walked back. "One gravy platter, coming right up!"

The gravy platter and the rest materialized in front of them.

"Woah," said Lan.

The next customer ordered a gravy burger. That was easy. But then someone ordered a hot dog with a side of fries. There was no hot dog button on the register! Without thinking, he called, "Ted!"

Ted materialized by his side. "Yes?"

"This man wants a hot dog! We don't make hot dogs!"

"Hold on. Just breath, Lan." Lan breathed. "This man doesn't want a hot dog. He wants a gravy dog. You know where the button for a gravy dog is, don't you?"

"Yes, but—"

"Press the button."

He pressed the button.

The gravy dog materialized in front of the costumer who looked at it funny but took it anyway.

"See how easy that was?"

"Yes but…but he didn't order that."

"Of course he did."

"What are you—"

"We do everything for the good of the costumer."

"Yea…ok," he said warily.

Ted vanished; Sam appeared but didn't materialize.

"Ah!" Lan cried.

"What?"

"You startled me."

"Sorry."

"It's cool. But hey, since you're here, could you explain to me what the problem with everyone is around here?"

"What do you mean? Ted acting one way then completely contradicting what he's just said? Or Rother keeping a close eye on all his employees and vaporizing them if they get too nosy or start acting like individuals?"

"Wait! What? Vaporizing? What the heck is that?"

"You don't want to find out."

"So that's why Big Rother was yelling at you earlier."

"Come again?"

"You're acting like an individual."

She laughed. "It doesn't take much to act like one. You have to truly be one for it to count."

"How can he tell?"

"Don't think the right thoughts."

"He'll know?"

"Of course he will. He has his own police."

"Thought police," he said in the awed voice and imagined letters coming out of his mouth again.

"Exactly."

"It's your hair, isn't it?"

"No, that was last week's argument."

"Your uniform?"

"The week before."

"Then what?"

"It's my nametag."

"Oh. So do you wanna get together sometime? Like a date?"

"Employees aren't allowed to date other employees."

"What? Why?"

"It's Rother's rule."

"Could we date secretly?"

"We could. But we would probably get found out by the police and tortured until we gave each other up. Then, years later, we would meet in a park and not even be able to hold a normal conversation because of all the trauma Rother would put us through. So yes. We could. If that's what you want."

"Never mind."

"Hey, Lan."

"Oh, hey, Ted," Lan said to Ted who materialized in front of him.

He turned to Sam. "Hey…you…"

"It's Sam," Sam told him.

"Hey, Sam. So Lan. You remember that note I gave you?"

"'We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness'? That note?"

"Yup, that's the one."

"I remember it."

"Well, there's no darkness in the freezer. Let's go."

They both _poof_ed there.

"All right. Here's a pamphlet about why the Gravie House is like a totalitarian government and why this whole story mirrors _1984_."

"There is again. What the heck is that?"

"We'll get to that later. First, you need to read this pamphlet."

"Ok."

Ted vanished.

***Ten minutes later***

"Lan, what are you doing, man?" Ted asked.

"Reading this pamphlet like you told me to."

"In the freezer?"

"No cameras."

Ted smiled. "Good man."

The freezer door shut and Ted left again. Lan was almost done reading, but he couldn't say he'd gotten much out of it. He already knew most of it anyway; basically, Big Rother the pamphlet just voiced in written word what Lan already knew. So, in the end, it was just words, words, words—totally unimportant to the story.

"I have to tell Sam," he said to himself.

He burst out of the freezer and called, "Sam! Sam! Sam!"

He ran out to the front still calling, "Sam! Sam! Sam! Sam! Sam!"

Everywhere he looked, she could not be found. "Sam! Sam! Where the heck is she?"

"Lan Watson!"

"Oh Jesus! What did I do?"

"You're going to be vaporized for your thought crimes againat Big Rother and Gravie House!" He turned to see Ted and Big Rother standing side by side.

"Ted?"

"Yes. I tricked you. I made you think I was on your side so you would show your true individuality!"

"What about the pamphlet?"

"I wrote the pamphlet. Now you must be vaporized!"

"No! Please! Anything but that!"

"Well, we could always shove a cage full of rats in your face."

"No! Anything but rats! Do it to Sam! She loves rats!"

"Those are the magic words! You're free to go as long as you never think any bad thoughts again."

"What did I say?"

"You said, 'I love Justin Beiber'."

"No, I didn't. I said, 'Do it to Sam'. Isn't that what you wanted to hear? Me deny the only thing I care about? Which isn't Sam, by the way. It's totally video games and comics."

"You said, 'I love Justin Beiber'," Ted repeated.

"I did not!"

"Yes, you did."

"Ok."

"Do you love Big Rother?"

"Uh…I'm not gay."

"That's not what I meant."

"Oh. Then sure."

"Say it."

"What? I don't wanna say that out loud. Someone might hear me. They'll think I'm a faggot."

"Say it, or you're fired!"

"Okay, all right! I'll just say it in the story…not in the dialogue part."

_He loved Big Rother._

"There. Is that okay?"

"Good enough."

Ted and Big Rother vanished.

"Hi, Lan!"

"Ah! Not Valerie! You shouldn't materialize in front of people like that! I was almost vaporized back there. I'm really shook up."

"Oh, Lan. I'm so sorry. Don't worry though! From now on, you'll be able to get away with whatever you want!"

"I don't think I want to anymore."

"That's good too. Hey look! I found my nametag!"

"Oh, it says 'Haley'."

"Yep. That's my name."

"Hmm. It is." But he would always remember her as Not Valerie. "Hey, where's Sam?"

"Who?"

"That girl. The unordinary one."

"Oh. Her. She quit."

"Did she say why?"

"No. But I think it was because she knew Big Rother was going to fire her anyway. I don't think she wanted to be humiliated."

"Oh. I guess that's a good reason."

Lan never saw Sam again, and he worked at Gravie House for the rest of his life, never complaining or asking questions.


End file.
